First of all, the fact that they can't release the name of the kid that did this is ridiculous. As a parent, I would want to know as the first phone call I would make would be to that kid's parents. Especially if this kid has a history of bad behavior. Second of all, if this is the second incident with this kid hurting children, perhaps that child should be kicked out of the school and his or her parents should be looking into other child care facilities, not you!

I too would demand that the offending child gets booted out......my children are now grown, but have heard similiar stories when a child bit someone in nursery school, and they got kicked out.

I would like the daycare to give me a formal incident report and if it continued I would want the child removed. There is a way to stop your OWN child from biting but the pansie parents of today wont do it. When my son was 2 he bit me, well I took his arm bit him right back (Not hard folks ) and I asked him how did that feel , he said bad and he NEVER BIT AGAIN.

“But, the daycare won't release the identity as is policy. So, I am stuck with revenge fantasies. Truthfully we are lucky, another child literally almost lost an eye because the same little cannibal took a hunk of cheek in that assault.”

If the daycare won’t release the identity of the kid who bit your daughter, then how could you possibly know that it was the same one who bit another kid in the cheek???

@Russ you are always going to want revenge when your child is hurt in any way. My kids are much older and if anyone looks at them crosseyed I want them dead. As parents we never want our kids to suffer physical or emotional pain.

I like barbaras idea.

My now 20 month old was bit a few times at day care. It happens. Yes, it's hard to deal with the fact that you can't always protect your child, but I think that's a huge problem with kids these days - there's always a helicopter parent hovering, trying to bubble the child in and prevent the kid from making mistakes. Anyway, I digress.
The reason you aren't given a name is to protect the other toddler. If you knew who it was, wouldn't you be tempted to kick the kid on your way out the door? You're already fantasizing about revenge....Kids bite. They hit. Eventually they learn that it's wrong, but [often teething] 17 month old kids don't always understand right from wrong. Booting out a toddler for acting like a toddler is a little extreme. So is filing a law suit. That said, most good day cares do have a plan in place for OVER aggressive children. The parent of the aggressor is certainly made aware, and the children should be separated, or watched very closely when they are near each other. The only thing you need to do at this point is tell the director that you are a concerned parent who is aware of the incident. Let the day care and the biter's parents take care of the rest.

My toddler hasn't even started day care yet, and I have already decided that day care is out of the question. A former day care employee who is a family friend told me some stories from her work experience. She said they had one kid who was biting the other kids all the time - just about every day, sometimes drawing blood. They would always have to write up incident reports, but were forbidden by "policy" from disclosing the identity of the biter to the victim's family (or anyone else.) Hearing this, I became so furious at how completely wrong this sounds, I decided then and there that I would get a second job if necessary to keep my wife at home and the kid out of day care. (I did see cv's interesting suggestion. If my kid ever bit anyone, I'd probably try that technique.)

@Russ social work is a labor of love . Its nice to hear she loves her career and I hope she is making in difference.

@Stacie do you know my brother who is 37 years old was kicked out of nursery school for biting .

I did not know that.

For real?

I think the age difference in parents dictates how these incidents are handled. Me being 46 I FIRMLY believe in punishment to fit the crime. I want to know why making kids sit in a corner is now not acceptable? what about detention for older school age children . These punishments worked my my age group. I wholeheartedly believe this younger generation of parents are wimpy and I am afraid to see what this next generation will bring. It looks like undisciplined all about me kids.
Daycare centers should to a degree be able to punish kids for these types of behavior .

With all due respect, I think parents are a bit too over-reactive and protective these days. When I was a kid, I would come home all bloody and bruised from some fight I had with another boy. My parents would just chalk it up to something boys did, clean me up, and the next day I’d be best friends with the kid again. If this happened today, parents would be contacting the police to have the other kid arrested, and on the phone with the school principal to also have him expelled from school.

Guess what? Toddlers get frustrated, and sometimes they hit and sometimes they bite. Sure they should be punished for it, but let’s not make a federal case about it!

@Barbara thats why I believe in disciplinary action.

@Hookerman,

Actually the column is about my struggling with the realization that someone hurt my kid and I can't stop it. SInce it was my first experience with it, I was asking how others coped with it.
Also, the column never said mentioned needing to find out who did it or moving her daycare. Those were suggestions (welcome ones, because I am interested in everyone's opinion) from other readers.
And I value yours as well, but I want to make sure you are clear on what I actually wrote and what I actually mean.
A lot of parents here believe I should be exploring other places and looking into disciplinary action.
But I would say, for all of us, this is a great community to get varied opinions and advice as long as we remember that our own circumstances are not the only ones.
For example, you and a buddy may have punched each other in the face to pass the time on the walk home from school and been out playing the next day.
Some kids come home from school bruised and bloody because they are being bullied. If the parents assumed it was "something they did" it could be catastrophic.

I am not interested in my daughter being coddled. And I understand that I can't protect her from the world. I just don't know how to not feel awful that I can't.

:-)

Guys, I am really enjoying the dialogue. Thank you. Its given me a lot to think about.

@Russ this is just the beginning for you. I can only imagine how embarrassed the biters parents feel.

Wow, I'm surprised at how reactive a lot of these posts are!! I agree, it's awful to see your child hurt. But move on. Kids hurt other kids, it happens. My only question to the daycare would be was the offending child punished in some way (time out or something)? Biting is VERY common among young toddlers, I don't think it's anything worthy of pulling your child out. (Frankily, I think it happens at every daycare, so good luck finding one that's never experienced this.) The important thing is whether the teachers/employees of the daycare are on top of correcting bad behavior among the children.

I don't know, I guess it's just a mindset. My kids are toddlers. I do have that immediate protective instinct when I see one of them upset at a play group - say, if another child hits one of them, or takes a toy from them. But I know they're all just kids and $hit happens, so I take a deep breath. Kids do crappy things to each other, which is why we have to teach them otherwise, so I can't get enraged every time an interaction goes awry.

As long as I feel like other parents or people of authority are on the same page in terms of disciplining the child causing the harm, I'm fine. What I'm sure I'll get pissed at some day is seeing a parent who doesn't punish/correct bad behavior. But then again, that's part of life too.

My kids can't be protected by me 24/7 for their entire lives. Of course I want to protect them. But they have to learn that sometimes other people do bad things, and they can survive that. I want them to be strong and independent people, so I can't coddle them and keep them in a bubble.

I think I could have been more articulate but they woke me at 5am this morning and I'm a zombie, sorry. :)

My hope here is that the parents of the biter are aware of the situation and dealing with it. When my oldest, who is now 18, was 3, there were two separate occasions where she had issues with the son of a friend of mine. Once he threw a toy at her head and another time he pulled a chair out from under her while she was sitting in it. The mother (a former friend of mine) basically did nothing. Told him it wasn't nice, and that was it. I recently saw this young man's name in a police blotter for burglary and theft. Someone said earlier that bad behavior starts young. That is very true.

I know, as a parent of 3 teenagers that it is very painful to watch Anything happen to your own child . I don't think who did is the issue, kids do these things in daycare, on the playground. I think theist important thing is a frank discussion with the center and how mich you TRUST them to be firm and follow-thru with your concerns. I am still waiting for that Parenting Manual to come out.

Hey Russ! You're facing something here that will define a big part of who you are as a father. You are a protector, but your role as a supporter and teacher will also shape how she relates to others throughout her life (especially men).

Nat is your "little pumpkin", but she is already growing up to be her own person. I am sure you can see her personality and character emerging as she finds her place in the world around her.

You have a role to protect her, but that cannot actually be your responsibility at all times. You choose wisely to whom you delegate this responsibility and hold them accountable. Even still, things happen! How we react as fathers?

I remember the first time Nate took a big spill outside and came up bleeding. Jenn was... less relaxed... than I was. What I really remember however, is looking into his eyes and seeing pain, uncertainty about what to do next, and fear. I am his father. He looked to me (literally) to find out how to react. He needed to know he was OK, that we would help him clean up, and he did not have be afraid.

That day he got hurt for the first time. That day he also began learning that when bad stuff happens, he can come to Dad to find out what to do.